Sugar Ray Sinks Boat

As great as the 90s were for music, it's only a matter of time before we have to endure a terrible commercial on a Sunday afternoon advertising a watered down and overpriced Time Life compilation featuring nothing but "the best" of 90s alternative. No doubt, a man and woman dressed in some sort of flannel will speak directly to the camera (and you), reminding you of how great things were when you were young, and how easy it will be to feel that way again for 4 easy payments of $19.95 + S&H.

And this compilation will no doubt skip over the Nirvanas, Smashing Pumpkins and Radioheads of the world because their music still sells a good amount and doesn't need the licensing money that Time Life will offer them to put a 2nd or 3rd single on their box set.

Not only will those bands not be featured because they're too expensive, but also because the curators of this collection will try to get songs with the broadest appeal ("One Week" by the Barenaked Ladies will be on this hypothetical CD, I can guaran-damn-tee it), because let's face it - most people don't give a shit about music. Most people aren't interested in what made the Dandy Warhols different than Spacehog, because to most people it's the same shit and I just want to hear it and not think about it.

This is known in television as the "CBS Syndrome."

And it is because of the CBS Syndrome that Sugar Ray, Smash Mouth, the Gin Blossoms, the Spin Doctors and Marcy Playground will all appear on this compilation.

This is what people think of when they think of the 90s. Sugar Fucking Ray.

And because of this homogenization of the era's music, Mark McGrath of Sugar Ray was able to get the aforementioned bands together to tour.

Tour what? Arenas, with comfortable chairs and $10 parking? State fairs? Theme parks.

Nope. They're (going) on a boat.

To be precise, WERE going on a boat. Because as of 2 days ago, this Tragical History Tour was canceled.

Citing Carnival Cruise's Triumph disaster, in which an engine room fire let to looting and hall-pooping within presumably minutes, the planned cruise from Miami to the Bahamas has been canceled, leaving at least dozens of thirty-somethings desperate to get away from their kids (and relive the part of their lives that wasn't centered on a co-dependent 2'4" vomit machine) with nothing to do for 4 days and 5 nights in mid-October.

But don't fret fans of How I Met Your Mother, aka "No, Really, It's Not Like Big Bang Theory At All" (SPOILER ALERT: Yes, it fucking is.), for Mark McGrath and Co. have ditched the boat for the luxuries of charter tour buses and will be hitting the road this summer with a pretty much identical tour of Sugar Ray, the Gin Blossoms, Smash Mouth, Fastball and Vertical Horizon.

Vertical. Fucking. Horizon.

Whatever.